To have sexual fantasies is easy for some and more difficult for others. In my sex-talk groups I have met a lot of women who share with the group that they never fantasize. About sex. Never. I usually ask them to give themselves permission to let that part of their erotic intelligence wake up. To fantasize is just like any other super-power. It can be hidden when you want to. No one knows you own it. But it will make you into a better lover. For your self and your partner.
Next time you notice something turning you on, do not smash it and shove it under the mental carpet. Allow it to blossom and bloom. See where it will take you. Explore as much of this fantasy as possible. After all, it is invisible to others and it will become your super-power. A source of sexual energy that you can harness.
Maybe your fantasy takes you through an experience that also frightens you when you think about it. Maybe your body and mind yell “No way” or maybe it whispers in your ear “Yes please”.
Allowing sexual fantasies for yourself and your partner will make you both more aware of what it is you want to explore (and not), what turns you on or off. Remember that fantasies are not reality. You can decide whether you want them to stay fantasies or if they are growing into desires that you both want to pursue.
Sometimes our fantasies aren’t always sunshine and roses. Did you know that many women fantasize about being gangbanged? It’s not that they want to experience that (necessarily), but the fantasy strongly fuels a feeling… to feel powerful, desired, naughty or submissive.
Sometimes knowing that you are part of someones fantasy is a great turn on too. So when you have practiced allowing yourself to have fantasies also allow yourself and your partner to share them with each other.
For years we, as a couple, have added this as one of our spices in bed, to share fantasies involving us or one of us in a very sexual (often very detailed too) fantasy, whispering them to each other and fueling the erotic intelligence there and then. Yes, it will linger a few days too. Helping to keep the fantasies growing in both of us. Like an aphrodisiac.
Now – hop on down below to 2 tips for you and your new super-power.
A great tip from the book S.E.C.R.E.T.
If you (like us) are interested in turning a few fantasies into desires and wishes, the exercise below is for you. And if this is not your interest at the moment – please read through them anyway. Maybe make a mental note of what happens when you read them….
Write down all of your sexual fantasies. Write them down without judging yourself nor them. Write them down without scrutinizing them with millions of questions. Simply follow the rules below:
- S = Safe – make sure that you feel safe in your written fantasies
- E = Erotic – all your fantasies must awake lust in you, sexually.
- C = Compelling – the fantasies must be compelling to you, so that they will urge you/lead you to fulfill them. This is a step to take to make the fantasy into a desire and a wish. Wishes that you will want to experience.
- R = Romantic – in your fantasies, see yourself as the most desired and wanted of all persons in your fantasy
- E = Ecstatic – as you are the main character in your fantasies also make sure that you experience lots of pleasure, laughter and fun in your fantasies, and of course in real life when they become true.
- T = Transforming – last, but not least, make sure that something within you are transformed/changed/shifted while exploring these fantasies. Making you feel like you are not the same as before these fantasies.