The art of seduction

Seduction. So easy or so damn difficult?
Easier to be seduced, to feel seduced or easier to seduce someone else?

Our brain is our biggest sexual organ. Yep. That is, if you like us believe in the erotic intelligence. That you, with your mind and senses, can be seduced and turned on (or off) in the blink of an eye. Or close to that. So how do you become more erotic intelligent?

One of the steps is by coming aware of what you like and dislike. What turns you on and off. What your partner like and dislike. Plus be willing to explore these areas together.

How you do it?
Well, there are a few fun tests on the internet of course. One is called “The Erotic Blueprint” and it is definitely worth taking. Head over there when the time is right and explore both the questions and your results together. It will sure give you a lot to talk about.

When you are done….head back to the Lovers App and make a few notes.

Remember to use the knowledge gained from the test as well as your joint exploration to keep (or start) seducing each other.

4 silly questions…

The questions

  1. What’s your favorite animal and why?
  2. What’s your second favorite animal and why?
  3. What’s your favorite beverage and why?
  4. What do you think when you see the sea?

The true meaning to the answers

Are you ready for the explanations to see the “meanings” that these answers describe? Check them out in the link here or read more below. This game from Mr Bas Klinkhamer is a game using the psychological mechanism of  projection.

  • Question 1 is about the qualities that you appreciate in yourself, and of which you are aware.
  • Question 2 is about qualities you also have, but of which you are less aware – or that you appreciate less.
  • Question 3 is about how you relate to sex.
  • Question 4 is about how you relate to life.

Enjoy the continuous talk that opened up via theses silly four questions. And then head on back to the Lovers App….

…you can of course also play this game this with your favorite group of people….

Practice gratitude – a tool for you

To be grateful can be a useful tool in your life.
Science suggests that expressing gratitude boosts both your health and spreads happiness around you. Here are a few simple exercises to help you build your capacity for gratitude.

We say “thanks” a dozen or more times a day: when someone holds a door open, bags our groceries, puts a report on our desk. It’s a reflex, an unaware reaction to simple daily happenings. We just say it, most often without really acknowledging the person we’re thanking. It is like a routine.

Yet as easy as it is to engage in a “thanks—no problem” exchange in our daily routines, we’re often left, in moments of larger generosity, feeling unworthy or embarrassed by what’s being offered. If you’ve ever thwarted a friend’s attempt to treat you to dinner or received a gift that you insisted was “too much,” you may be struck by that thankfulness gap.

So, if “thank you” is too easy to say in some instances, and out of our reach in others, how can you go beyond a muttered “thanks” to one that’s truly underpinned with gratitude? And why would you want to?

Well, here comes 2 Reasons to Practice Gratitude…

1) It’s Good for You

Turns out, there’s a great deal to be gained from truly feeling grateful. Research has linked gratitude with a wide range of benefits, including strengthening your immune system and improving sleep patterns, feeling optimistic and experiencing more joy and pleasure, being more helpful and generous, and feeling less lonely and isolated.  

2) It’s Good for Your Relationships

Think back to that impulse to rebuff a gift or gesture for being “too much.” What would happen if you didn’t get involved in your minds story, and instead allowed yourself to let that gift, that kind gesture, really sink in?
To just feel…grateful? And if that still feels difficult, you can always consider this:
There’s scientific evidence that feeling and expressing gratitude in relationships of all kinds strengthens them. Researchers from both the University of North Carolina and University of California found that gratitude acts as a “booster shot” for romantic relationships. And a review of close to 100 studies by researchers at the University of Nottingham determined that those who feel and express gratitude tend to be pro-social—kind, helpful, and giving.

A Simple Gratitude Exercise

Building your capacity for gratitude isn’t difficult. You just need to practice.

The researchers at Indiana University did a further study. Using an fMRI scanner, they compared brain activity in a group of gratitude letter-writers with a group who didn’t write a letter. The letter-writers showed greater neural sensitivity in the medial prefrontal cortex, a brain area associated with learning and decision-making—and the effect persisted three months later. “Simply expressing gratitude may have lasting effects on the brain,” they concluded, noting that practicing gratitude can lead to greater sensitivity to the experience of gratitude in the future. And that bodes well for everyone.

  1. Start by observing. Notice the thank yous you say. Just how habitual a response is it? Is it a hasty aside, an afterthought? How are you feeling when you express thanks in small transactions? Stressed, uptight, a little absent-minded? Do a quick scan of your body—are you already physically moving on to your next interaction?
  2. Pick one interaction a day. When your instinct to say “thanks” arises, stop for a moment and take note. Can you name what you feel grateful for, even beyond the gesture that’s been extended? Then say thank you. And if you feel like it – add exactly you feel grateful for.

The above text originates from Mindful.org – we recommend you check them out!

Eye gazing = connection

Eye gazing is a speedy way to connect with anyone….or not?

The New York Times published an article in 2015 describing an experiment in which two people are made to stare into each other’s eyes for four uninterrupted minutes. It’s been theorized that at the end of the four minutes, each person should feel closer and more connected to the other, no matter their relationship to each other prior to the experiment.

Inspired by the article, YouTube’s SoulPancake gathered six couples to test out the theory. Among the couples they recruited was a duo on their fourth date and a married couple who’d been together for 55 years.

Each couple was put into a room on their own, and for four minutes, were tasked with sitting in silence while looking into the other person’s eyes.

At the end of experiment, even the participants seemed surprised by the results.

“In 55 years of marriage, we’ve never really looked into each other’s eyes like that,” said one woman to her husband at the end of the four minutes.

“When I look at you really closely, I realize how much I need you and what you mean to me, because that’s the truth,” her husband later says to her. “I couldn’t imagine being with anybody else.”

Are you ready to try it? Head back to your cards in the Lovers App….

Where did you learn about sex?

As we grow up in a family, community and society we all receive messages around sex. Some are subtle, others very clear. It is very useful for us all to understand more of where our conceptions, beliefs and thoughts origin from. Once we can see them as not attached to us, maybe also understand why we believe a certain thing, once we can understand and be more aware of where we learned about sex – then we can learn to change our beliefs and thoughts to the ones we would like to have.

What messages did you hear in your childhood about sex?
Or the opposite…what did you not hear?
Are you willing to engage in a discussion with a few close friends, or perhaps with your partner? Below I have listed some material shared by Pam Costa and her blog Downtothere.com

Are you ready to start the conversation with these myth-starters. Common myths around sexuality that will hopefully get you started in a conversation.

  • Myth: “If I have higher or lower sexual desire than my partner, something is wrong with me or my partner.” 
  • Myth: “Men are always ready for sex.” 
  • Myth: “If my partner really loved me, they would know what I need.” 
  • Myth: “Pornography sex is what real sex looks like.” 

Take turns in sharing your beliefs around the myths above and make sure you all listen to each other without judgement. Rather with an open and curious mind. Hopefully you will come to see that these are really myths and not truths.

You seem to be ready for part 2 of this session with close friends or partner. So here comes Pam´s suggestion for discussion prompts:

  • What messages did you receive as a child around sexuality? In your home, in the community, in the world?
  • What messages do you receive now? How do these impact your sex life today?
  • What messages would support a healthier relationship with your body and sexuality?

Opening up to a topic of sex and your beliefs around it can be challenging. I hope that this discussion with your friends made you see that it can feel safe, and also invigorating. Sex is a part of most persons lives, but far too seldom do we dare to look and question our beliefs around sex. Yet when we do it can be liberating. I sincerely hope it felt good for you. And the others.

I turn myself on when I…

I turn myself on when I……

or

You turn me on when you…….

When you are talking to yourself or to your partner around turn ons and turn offs, what does it sound like?
Are you taking responsibility for turning yourself on, for your arousal?
Or are you letting your partner take all the responsibility for your arousal and excitement? Do you need your partner to ignite your arousal, turning you on to want sex?
How is your usual internal conversation or the one with your partner?

Can you take more responsibility than today and keep your arousal simmering? Can you own your excitement around sex? Can you turn your own arousal and excitement up easily when you want to?

Maybe it is a mix of both. And maybe this is the first time you have actually reflected on this.

Regardless of how it is today for you and your partner,
try the exercise below.

  1. Sit down both of you, but apart from each other, or at least so that you cannot see what the other is writing.
  2. Write a list of 10 things where you start every sentence with the following words:
    I turn myself on when I……
  3. Take a break and maybe hug or kiss, but try to keep the silence between you until the exercise is completed.
  4. Sit down again as in no 1.
  5. Write a list of things where you start every sentence with the following words:
    I turn myself off when I….
  6. Take a new break and stay close to each other. Still in silence.
  7. As time is ready, perhaps the same day as you wrote your lists or another day.
    Sit down together and share your lists with your partner. Make sure you take full responsibility for your own words and reflections.
    Keep an open and a non-judging attitude towards yourself and your partner through the exercise. Make sure to appreciate each other and the sharing.
  8. Probably this has led to a sexual moment between you two.Enjoy!

Good luck!

Below you will find Therese Mabon´s lists. Her blog is in Swedish. And she is one of the founders of this website as well as one of the proud founders of The Lovers App.

The importance of sexting

In a relationship, sooner or later the mundane will take over and, the communication that takes place between the lovers changes. The initial texting that consisted of “I love you-s” and maybe setting up some scenarios for next date, or explicit wishes for sex simply vanishes.

And sooner or later the communication in texting during the days and even at home might consist only of who´s doing the shopping, or picking up the kids, buying the birthday gift for the mother in law, or other very practical details to make life, work and family function as optimal as possible.

Choose a sexting tool

To keep communicating to your partner as you did in the beginning – start a new communication-channel where the rule is that everything mundane or everything concerning the care taking of family and household, work etc is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.

In our relationship we use the app Viber. Viber provide a “private-chat” with options to have messages kept or erased. You can also have other different settings in it. For example the photos you send will be blurred until you click on them to see them.
The full text in the message sent will not show up on the receivers home screen. A little notification that you just received a new message is all you see.

  1. Start by choosing the preferred sexting tool that you agree upon
  2. Agree also upon what is not ok to use this channel for
  3. Start sexting!

Reminder

Always make the kindest assumptions when your partner doesn’t respond nor act the way you want them to do – agree to make the kindest assumption at all times (this will be hard at times).

We do encourage you to do your part, so that if or when you feel your partner is not doing their part. Accept that you might have to take a bit more responsibility for a period of time. Maybe your partner is having a tough period at work or is bothered by something else?

One way of thinking about this is that it will seldom nor in every given moment be a complete share of 50/50 in effort from you and your partner. It might more be 60/40 or 20/80. And it will change back and forth between you both.
If you take a longer perspective and look at a longer period, you will more likely see a 50/50 balance. Not in any given moment – but in the long run.

Find ways to talk about this that help you come back to what you once agreed upon. And keep flirting and sexting with your partner. Make them feel special to you. At least twice a week.

Are you bringing the best of you to work and the leftovers of you home?

If you want to change the other, change yourself.

...says Esther Perel in this interview

Esther Perel is one of the persons that the Lovers app is truly in awe of. We love her work, her preciseness, her way of widening the perspectives and how she shares her work with us all.
Below you’ll find two more paragraphs from the same interview at cbc Canada.

What skills should I start honing?

I often tell people, “How many of you find yourself bringing the best of you to work and the leftovers home?” And generally a vast majority of the people raised their hands. Here is this relationship from which we expect so much, but you invest often so little compared to other areas of your life.

You come home, you take off your nice clothes. You sit in that couch ー you chill. You feel like you’ve put all the efforts out to be in the world. But then, don’t come complaining that you want some fire, that you want intensity, that you want excitement, that you want sex, that you want intimacy. That demands a different kind of relationship, a different kind of investment of presence.

Marriage is not meant to make you happy

Marriage will not always make you happy, but it will do something even better. It will give you an opportunity to find happiness in peace, in letting go, in learning what’s worth fighting for, in figuring out how to love an imperfect person, in seeing what commitment is and what compromise feels like.

Marriage won’t do the work for you. That work is yours—always and forevermore. The real work is not about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person.

Brianna West – keep reading the full article at Medium

We believe that as you use The Lovers app – we will provide you with challenges and support to push you in the direction of becoming a better person. At the same time as you develop – all others around you will surely notice the growth and development – and inevitably either grow with you or at least become the better they.

We often say our failed relationships teach us more than anything else. But it’s our ongoing relationships that can really teach us the most. Our interactions with others show us who we are, how we behave, and what we are doing. They can be the most enlightening medium for self-awareness. 

More from Brianna West

We firmly believe that as you grow as individuals so will your relationship grow and develop. Some of the content in the app you will meet several times. Hopefully from another level of yourself. Each time you encounter content you have met before, make sure to try and see yourself as a person who has “leveled up” in the “game of life”.

Your life partner is an asset to you in the evolution of your becoming, but that partnership is not the whole of your becomingYou can choose to see marriage as a gift, as an incredible privilege. Marriage gives us our walking partners, not our paths. When you view your partner less as your savior and more as the person you get to hang out with until you die, you’re more likely to forgive their shortcomings and accept that they’re not, and never will be, perfect.

Our partners don’t exist to satiate our every emotional need. They exist to be companions — separate, but equal — at once our responsibility, and yet very much out of our control. Learning to love them better is essential. It gives so much more than it takes. When we can strip away the assumption they should be different from who they are, we find something beautiful underneath: harmony. Which is what we’ve been hungry for all along.

Also from Brianna West


Do I really have to put in effort to desire my partner?

A common myth is that there is something serious about the relationship if the parties need to work to keep the fire alive. This can cause sex to become anxious.

Yes, that’s it. You need to work on wanting your partner. For the remainder of your relationship. To desire him or her every day.

All you want to do or have in life you need to strive for.
Apply time and effort.
Maybe spend some money on it.
Receive help from someone who knows a little more than you right now.
You need to focus on what you want to grow in your life.
You need to have an intention, a reason to help you stick to what you want to achieve. So what you want to achieve should be special to you. Important to you. Like for example. your desire for your partner.

New Year’s resolutions to train and eat better ….

We all recognize the idea that pops up from time to time. Maybe I should practice a little more, keep in shape. Eat better, more vegetables, less red meat. Reduce the alcohol. And so on. All training facilities usually increase their turnover during the month of January. More crowded and more people go to the training classes. Because they have set a goal – that they want to train more and eat better.

In reality the promises and the intention of the goal changes over the course of the year. Reality and everyday life are moving on and it is not as easy to adhere to the promise you once gave yourself. The importance of really wanting, the true intention that cannot be broken to you and others.

So, a promise of more desire – can it attract you to set an intention?
How much time and commitment are you prepared to add to increase your desire for your partner?

I think you have now understood that desire will not appear spontaneously at just the right moment. Nor for you or your partner. So, then we play with the idea that you are actually prepared. You have a strong confidence in yourself that you will increase your desire. But, you don’t know how. How will I be more hungry, filled with desire and think my partner is hot and sexy?

What can you do?

  • scheduling your sex life – decide in advance that you should have sex and when – make this a joint journey in more pleasure and desire for each other
  • investigate which “brakes” you have for sex and desire – perhaps by looking at Emily Nagoski’s exercises “Turn Off Off´s”.
  • Breathe – preferably all the way down to “there”…
  • go on activities together – preferably ones where you are active with the body
  • remind each other of how it was when you first met
  • act irresponsibly for a moment / a night and ask someone to babysit if necessary so that the two of you get one morning / afternoon / evening / night together without having to be responsible adults – like you “play hookey” from adult life
  • be in your body – perhaps through physical exercise or a massage
  • let go of thoughts and other things that move your attention from how it feels to be in your body – maybe meditate or try a body scan exercise?
  • or maybe try something that you never tried before and curiously explore what awakens within you
  • own suggestions
  • your partner’s suggestion

Whatever you choose, the intention that you do choose to do this is probably the one that will help you all the way.
The intention that every day feel desire towards your partner.
If so only for a moment, maybe a longer eye contact than you usually have. Stay curious and explore how your body feels … and maybe, just maybe you can extend the desire in you and stay in the moment a little bit longer.